This weekend wasn't as fab as I thought it was gonna be, because SB and Jo-chan weren't able to stay. But, it was still pretty good all in all. The two of them came over Friday night and stayed for a few hours. They brought over some leftovers which were delish. We played tons of RE:DC, SB and I as Claire and Steve in the saddest and most awesome part of the game. (The Code: Veronica story, with which I wasn't familiar before this. ) We kinda ruled. Jo-chan and my Mom were getting really into the game too. Then we watched Degeneration because SB had never seen it. (That movie is awesome for the perfectly timed joke.)

I hate it when they have to leave.

Yesterday was Saturday and I worked, and for some reason was on fire. I sold tons of stuff; it was just flying off the shelves. Then I came home and got the best news of the week: Sano's blood test results are really encouraging. He's been home since Thursday (he was in the hospital for six days!) and was basically the Glass Dog. I couldn't let him play, or run, or anything. I couldn't even pat him or let him wag his tail too hard, because he had such low platelets. But on Saturday, not only were his platelets on the rise, so were the RBCs and WBCs. The vet who did his blood this time was encouraged and felt that maybe it wasn't just the result of his latest transfusion; that maybe his bone marrow has not been eradicated and maybe his own body is taking over and making its own blood again. I very, very much hope he's right and at any rate, that set the tone for the rest of the day which was relief. :)

Then I baked a pie.

Today, workwise, meh. I hardly sold a blasted thing. People just did not want to hear form me today. The manager of the store I was working assured me it wasn't me; she couldn't even give away discounts. The first customer of the day told her “THIS IS COMMUNISM!” before she even offered the discount card, and that seemed to set the tone for today which was complete non-response from just about everyone.

The rest of the day was a blast. I had been expecting Lady Chrysanthemum, my wonderful friend Kim, and the Druid. The Druid did not make it (I haven't seen this guy in about fourteen years because somehow the dates and times always get mixed up.) I had very much wanted the Gold Dragon to be able to make it, but he was upstate with family for the weekend. So, it was Lady Chrysanthemum, my wonderful friend Kim, and my Mom, at my Mom's house for dinner. The whole thing was so mellow and very nice. Lady Chrysanthemum and I spent a lot of time explaining to Kim and my Mom about the goings on at the Kwon. This is all very hard to relate to unless you're in the middle of it. So many aspects of it are traditional, down to the group dynamics you often see conventionalized in Kung Fu movies. In some ways it doesn't even fit into any paradigm you can imagine today; and yet somehow, I cling to those conventions myself in unexpected ways: these essentially outmoded ideas of status-based “family” in a group of people in a martial art; as if we had something to defend, protect or whatever. Even if it doesn't fit. And even if it is entirely dysfunctional. That's really my fictional self and that's something that Kim pointed out to me tonight. As obvious as it is, it's really not so obvious when you're in the middle of it. A good example of what I mean is the fact that my rib is broken and, added onto all the other injuries, I kind of wear it like a badge. Lady Chrysanthemum mentioned something similar with her black eye and bruised arms. It makes you feel like a damn ninja, or warrior or something but, you know, "this is real life." That's easy to forget, even when (and maybe especially when) you're in the middle of it. Like I mentioned before, you want people to see the bruises and you want them to ask. Then, you want to explain it to them. The weirdest part: You kind of want them to not understand. Of course people on the outside of it shouldn't understand why you would feel stronger after getting hurt, or why you would keep going back for more. They're not supposed to understand. It's yours.

Anyway. Then we talked well into the night about all manner of things from horseback riding to traveling to art. It was very fulfilling.

Oh, but the pie didn't turn out as delicious as I'd hoped. I rushed it, and the crust was really too dry.

It's not a typical way to spend this time of year that everyone else is calling “the holidays” because this year, there are no “holidays.” There's just getting through the next month without it being too hard. I don't want to see lights, or trees, or reds, golds and greens, or wreaths or cards or gifts, or any of the stuff that I normally adore. I don't want to see any of that but I do like to see my friends and my family. I think there will be no more “typical” from now on but hopefully there will be a new way that will be bearable. Hell, let's go really crazy and say “fun,” even. :) Someday.

Sooooo Sano is home today. That doesn't mean everything's peachy though; he needed three blood transfusions and will need more. His platelets are still really low so he is only home on a short term “if-everything-goes-well” basis. He's basically not allowed to move, and certainly he can't run, play, or get humped by Haku. His RBCs are still really low too (though higher after the transfusion) but his WBCs are a little higher.

Yeah, this is due to the azathioprine (Western Medicine is a whore who is sweet on you one minute and then stabs you in the ass the next,) but the azathioprine was for the ITP because the pred wrecked his liver, and the ITP was a reaction to Rocky Mountain that he would not have had if Dr. Dickwhistle from The Bad Place hadn't been such an asstard about treating him. “Stop being silly, you're just a girl, why would you be correct about treating a tick-borne disease? You and your hysteria and your girl parts!”

For every needle that Sano has to get and every hour that he can't be a normal dog, I want someone to punch Dr. Asstard in the penis.

Anyway today was Thanksgiving and Mom and I didn't do anything. My uncle called her to say hi and that's about it. It's better that way. It's unfathomable to celebrate the holidays. It's hard because I'm one of those retards who really loves the holidays. Like, I adore the lights, the gifts, the food and even the stupid songs. But none of that is of any use to me this year. How could it be?

So I cleaned the house and went to pick up Sano. I do hope this weekend will be great and go really smoothly. Can it, please? SB and Jo-chan are supposedly coming over tomorrow, SB to spend a few hours and Jo-chan to spend until Sunday, hopefully. There will be playing of RE:DC (hello, I'd still like to work the actual controls!) and general hanging out. I hope to go to the store to buy some things to bake a pah. Like apple pomegranate, my speciality. Also some organic cookie dough and gobs of ice cream. Originally Mom, Jo-chan and I were going to go to the movies and see Men Who Stare At Goats, taking that first risk and leaving Haku alone for two hours. But now Sano is made of glass and I can only imagine us being gone and Haku having a seizure on Sano or something catastrophic.

Sunday, some friends are supposedly coming over for a while. So far I've got Lady Chrysanthemum and My Wonderful Friend Kim. Possibly the Gold Dragon and maybe even—though much less likely—The Druid (an old friend, going back years and years. True psychic.)

Tonight I'm going to send out another query and fifty pages to an agent who sounds like we might be right up each other's alley. Which sounds so wrong. Umm. My fingers are crossed. The fifty pages? I stressed over for the last two days, changed a bunch of stuff, realized that most of my changes were the idiotic ramblings of a panicking and desperate noveliste and deleted most of said changes.

And my rib is still bus' up. How long is this crap supposed to hurt? My whole back hurts, down to my butt muscles. Is that normal?

skitty_kitty posted a link to a funny thing on this one site, and then I hung around on said site for a while and then I found this: How Twilight Works:

Beyond that, it's just a romance novel with the occasional vampire teen drama bullshit peppered here and there. It doesn't really break any new ground in the realm of vampire fiction, other than portraying vampires as a family of uncomfortable retards who prance around the woods eating deer and bunny rabbits.

Too right, and how does this drivel get published while I keep papering my walls with rejection letters? YES, I am bitter and a little jealous! But beyond just the jealousy, I'm plain old appalled. I have these fantasy interviews with myself wherein some reporter in my first interview asks me what I think of the Twilight craze and I casually say, “Well, I'm a feminist, so... Yeah, I can't really say much about it because I don't follow that series.”

I am that pretentious.

Oh, I was hoping to go outside and watch the space station go by tonight but it's all overcast. Of course. How often do you get to see a space station go over your house? Thanks, weather.

This weekend, it can be fabulous, yes? PLS?

I have some zombies awaiting me, with juicy heads ripe for cap-popping. And I find myself wishing I had some chocolate milk, or cocoa or something.

“Recently opened” files in my OpenOffice program: “Blog37,” “Haecceity1,” “Heacceity2,” “Something with Krislar,” “New general query letter,” “Shorter query letter,” “ten page synopsis,” “shorter synopsis,” “Shortest synopsis EVER.” So those of you who follow my “OMG the NEXT JK ROWLING 4EVA!!1111!11%*#&^%” nonsense will gather that I've been querying again. Why all of a sudden? Because the last query / sample I sent was to a specific publisher who said they had a “no later than three months” period for acceptance or rejection, and the three month mark is Saturday. (Today is Sunday.) They said to resubmit if you just don't hear back from them; none of this “Oh hey did you get my work of genius?” emailing junk. But, that's another three months, you know? I'd actually rather have the rejection right away than send it yet again to the same folks and have to sit by another three months. And I keep getting the same advice: Stop bothering with publishing houses, get an agent yesterday. Maybe that is the way to go? It's worth trying.

SO! There I was, researching agents and I found this one terrific, just effing spectabulous resource for agents and you can search them for the kind of stuff they really like to read. You can also find their blogs and such which, reading the blogs of agents and editors is mucho helpful. At least I hope so. Because they are, like, people and stuff, contrary to popular belief.

I am ever hopeful. Aren't we all, though?

Sano: Still in the hospital. I called today after work to see how he was, and if I could take him home, and was told that they'd pass on a message that I'd called and that the vet would “get back to me” when he had a chance. I fully understand it is an emergency clinic. But, I have a life and I miss my dog. Yeah, today's “life” consists of nothing more than shopping, entering my work data, getting my books ready for school, and playing the new Resident Evil, but still? Waaah.

Rib: Still busted, (I think? No X rays yet,) hurts worse than a few days ago actually. I don't think it's too big a deal because, what, all they do is tell you not to act the fool and go stabbing yourself in the chest for a few weeks or something. (And I guess, no heavy lifting or anything of that nature. No sparring? Well, we'll see. Maybe some light sparring, some sane, retard-free sparring.) I should get it X rayed I guess, but I didn't get my new health coverage yet (letter from ex employers on the 12th of this month: “Just letting you know in advance that your Cobra is expired as of the 11th!” Thanks, assheads!) but more than that, when? When am I going to go and sit around in the ER for ridiculously American hours on end to get an X Ray? With Sano in the hospital, with work, and school, and studying, and finals starting next week? But I saw a doctor at school who assured me it was at least cracked. So, wahh to that, too.

Today at work, I had A Moment. It wasn't one of those moments when missing Dad took me by surprise, but I suspect that all of these wildly illogical urges that I keep having still have something to do with that. I was looking at the rats, and had the insane, almost undeniable urge to just buy one. They were so cute, so engaging and sweet, I wanted one to crawl up my arm and take a nap under my hair. I had it all figured out (I have a cage in a shed somewhere, I can buy some bedding, feed it vegetables, give it a wheel to play on and I can train it OMG, I can give it a cute name or something retarded like call it Heero Yuy, and train him to come when called and do obstacles and, and, and...) I really had to sit there and force myself to see reason. I only have one day off a week; I don't even have the time I'd like to have to hang out with my beautiful crow like I used to. Where am I gonna find the time to train a rat for godsakes?

But it's like I said: Every emotion and thought I have is times a hundred. If something would normally irk me, lately it makes me nuclear. If something makes me sad, lately it makes me want to cry. If something would normally get me nervous, it's a catastrophe of epic frigging proportions. Happy = manic joy completely inappropriate and out of proportion to the situation. And apparently, “Oh, rats are cute” becomes “HOLY EFFING GOD, I WILL TAKE ONE HOME TODAY AND IT WILL BE MY BEST FRIEND.”

Oh! So yeah. So the new Resident Evil, Darkside Chronicles is out and I've been playing it and can I just say, I'm a little disappointed? I mean, hey, great, Leon Kennedy is in it, you get to shoot tons of zombies (their heads have gone from exploding to exploding and shooting disgusting spurts of blood all over the walls, yay!) and they recreated the Raccoon City PD beautifully, so big YAY to that. But here's the deal, you cannot walk the eff around. No, I mean seriously. It is a true first person shooter, meaning that the game walks and looks around for you. All you have to do is shoot. You can't: look behind you unless the game does it for you, go back and pick up something you missed, stare at things, stand around, take your time, enjoy the scenery, talk to people twice, or, hello, move out of the way of bad guys. I'm getting really frustrated! But, at least it's nice to be with Leon Kennedy again.

Additionally, I had a cracked out dream last night that I was getting married to Bill Murray. It wasn't bad, actually. He's kinda hot. I know, dude. Whatever, okay?

Welp, on the menu for tonight: WHO THE HELL KNOWS, because I have to schedule my evening around when vets feel like giving me a call. I would love to take Sano home and then play some RE Darkside Chronicles (hereafter: RE:DC) then, at Mom's house watch Gundam Wing and eat ice cream and then, home to write some more and get into that enjoyment mode and go to bed and read Pattern Recognition which I am really enjoying. But, I don't think it's going to go like that. We'll see.

My knee is busted again, my rib is most likely cracked (long story involving a different sparring partner with NO CONTROL and way too much anger,) but without X rays I can't tell for sure and I am currently uninsured.

But worst of all, Sano is in the hospital AGAIN. His white blood cells crashed Monday because of the Imuran. TO the tune of a few thousand dollars, they put him on medication. Then his red blood cells crashed to the point where he couldn't walk for too long and was trying to get as much oxygen as he could. Now he needs blood transfusions and we can only hope that they will kick start his bone marrow to get it to work again.

The pred destroyed his liver and the Imuran destroyed his bone marrow and immune system.

I also found out that this could all be traced back to anaplasmosis, which Dr. Dickwhistle diagnosed in him years ago but would not treat. "Oh, don't be silly, it can hardly hurt him, it's not a big deal, you're over-reacting as usual," and if you think that's hyperbole, it isn't. When Trisky first started presenting with cancer symptoms he laughed and told me, "Maybe it's Sano's anaplasma that's making her limp."

I wish the worst kind of karma on this dick. The worst kind.

So Sano is currently in the hospital and maybe the transfusion works, and maybe not. Nothing has worked for him so far so no one is very hopeful at this point and it is not surprising if it doesn't take.

I'm so far past shaking my fist at the sky, I just want to blow things up. Mostly I just want Sano to get better.

And, yeah, also for that douche to die screaming as a thousand sand fleas infest his abundant body hair.

Sano is in the hospital again, this time with no white blood cells. Apparently the Imuran (which I kind of fought the vets on) destroyed his white blood cells WHICH HELLO, I SAID THEY WOULD. Then they act all surprised when he can hardly get up today. The injections for it are about $600 each. EACH. And it's “Oh wow, such a rare, jaw dropping side effect, this is the first time I've ever seen this happen!”

So the pred to save his platelets destroyed his liver, and the Imuran to save he platelets after the pred gave him the worst side effect destroyed his immune system.

I am going to get a second opinion because I really didn't want him on this much medication to begin with, but in the meantime he is in the hospital overnight and maybe for two nights, because he needs more antibiotics than I could give him in a day, and we just have to hope that no virus or bacteria comes out to attack his system before they can get this super expensive injection which they won't be able to get until tomorrow.

I'm sad, upset and angry. And more than ever, I hate western medicine.

I had this super long entry in my head about the movie 2012 which I saw last night with the Gold Dragon (very loud and butt-numbingly long with lots of fire and big huge waves of water. The overall message was, "Rich M-Fers get to live! You poor people are SO LUCKY that a few of them are charitable and will take maybe five of you along." So yeah.) But now I don't feel like writing up any kind of long review or even talk about last night because I'm just too mad about today's turn of events.

I say this more and more and I hate the way it sounds, but I really do wish something fantastic would happen. Seems lately my family is getting all of the “bitter” parts of the symphony and none of the “sweet” to balance it out. Not that I necessarily believe in some kind of universal balance and I know the sun can't shine on the same dog's ass all the time, but can it shine once in a while? Because there are all of these admittedly normal losses and trials all coming one after the other, and none of those great big life joys. Seriously, not a single one of those big ones.

WTF?



/wangst

It is not Saturday Night, it is actually a Nor'Easter stormy Friday night.

( My ass-kicking leg. )


This might look like a leg, like with the malleolus being all prominent and whatnot, but ( it is in fact my arm with two huge swellings. )

EWW. I'm so gross. How is that appealing to anyone, anywhere, ever? It's just gross. Yet oddly here I am showing it to all and sundry because hey, I earned those.

School: Meh. Too many damn tests.
Dogs: Somewhat better, less meds.
Work: Tomorrow and Sunday, meh.
Weekend: Movies with Dragon after work.
Monday: Sparring.
Tuesday: Aaaaand back to school.

Meh.

Akin to a story on a friend's blog, though not as dire or as gritty, here's my newest take on fighting. And if I get onto “being a girl and fighting” I apologize, because I do wish I could say “there's no gender in Kung Fu,” but there is, and you just can't get around it.

First, I like to spar. I liked it when I did it a while back, I like it now; in fact I like it even more now than I did then.

This week marked the return of the dude I've called “Attractive Man,” because he's a good-looking guy who can be very charming. I like this guy. He's fun, funny, engaging, friendly etc. I knew we were sparring today, however I was not eager to go at it with him because I kinda know him from past drills and I know he gets his rage on and he hurts people. He has injured me once before, permanently. But! Of course everyone else got taken up so I began with him. (I thought the operative word would be “began” since we usually all switch off, but tonight we didn't. We just sparred straight for a half an hour. And before you ask, yes it was tough.)

I'm not sure how it is in other martial arts, or really in other schools, but in our school we're all kind of close, and so there's an element of trust. When you start sparring, you bump fists, and you bow to each other with a traditional gesture. It's like dogs when they play, you know how they do the play bow? “It's going to get rough, but anything we do is still play and it doesn't count as aggression. Even if one of us gets hurt, it's not aggression and we'll be cool after that.” Dogs sometimes stop playing to play bow again, and in fact in sparring, sometimes you stop to touch gloves, just to re-signal “this is sport.” Also in our school (which I really haven't witnessed anywhere else,) there's lots of laughter during sparring. That kind of, “Haha, nice shot!” Or when you really start to tangle, if someone's about to get seriously busted up, laughter usually eases it up, even if it's still going on. “See, I'm laughing; I'll put you in a hold, but it's not to hurt you; I'm not going to break your leg for real.” And, it's light contact.

Attractive Man does not know how to do “light contact.” I think that he thinks he does, but I actually told him more than once that he wasn't, and that didn't stop him. When I punch and kick, I pull it at the last minute. I'm not out to break anyone's nose or knock their block off. My kicks are to the head; you have to pull those or you can hurt someone, and you don't want to really hurt your friends. It's play, after all.

Well, anyway, he hit me in the ribs way too hard; in the chin, till my head snapped back; in the boob of all places. I said to him, “If you hurt me one more time, I'm going to hurt you back.” And finally he threw an elbow to my face that I blocked with my forearm which gave me the mother of all hematomas which swelled up on my wrist around the glove.

I bumped fists with him again and then I started letting him have it right back. I got him in the ribs a few times, on the bridge of the nose, a few times to the knee, and threw a few hook kicks. I got him into the corner for a good long time and didn't let up. I was A) really, really proud of myself and B) really, really busted up.

The last thing you want to do is get all, “Stop, you're hurting me!” Men can say this, however. Men can say “break!” when they get hurt, or stop to see to an injury. Women, not so much, because if a woman does that, it's a sign of weakness. The men are thinking, “Okay, go easy because she's a girl.” NO! Not because I'm a girl. Because I have a job, and school, and a life outside of Kung Fu and this is not Fight Club! As a girl you actually have to be tougher. It's stupid I think, having something to prove like that.

Obviously this doesn't happen every time! I've sparred with Gold Dragon, with Homeslice (he's pretty tough too but he does at least try not to hurt you,) with Empress's boyfriend, with Lady Chrysanthemum, and you know you're going to get punched, kicked, locked, etc. But you're also pretty sure that no one is going to break your arm or your ribs. You're sure that they're not going to hurt you, that they have control. This guy, I'm not so sure.

Tomorrow I'll upload some pics of my arms and legs; they're disgusting, especially my arm.

OTOH we wear those bruises and blood and injuries like medals, you know? I know it's definitely going to affect my practical classes at school when I can't flex my damn arm because he tore up all the soft tissue, but there's that part of me (and others too) that, when asked, give the half-mumbled / half smirking, “Oh, that. Kung Fu.” And in return you get the “*Gasp!* Kung Fu! Oh my! I could never do that! Doesn't it hurt? Aren't you afraid?” Which is very gratifying. We jokingly (and admittedly in very bad taste) call those the “S/he only does it because s/he loves me” arms, but we also show them off to our co-workers and co-students and whatnot.

I'm also kinda glad it happened like this, too. With light contact, you never really know what you can or can't do. One wonders, “What would I do, if someone was going to hurt me? Could I fight back? Could I block it? Could I really hurt them back and would I be able to kick that high or hard in real life? If it came down to it, could I really put a man half again my weight into the corner and make him stop hurting me?” Tonight, I found out that I could, and Sifu told me, “You're so ready to fight in tournaments.” (Okay: NO. I'm going to school for massage therapy and really can't spend all this time with my arms nearly broken. But at the same time, it made me feel great, so worthy.) So! Now I know. I know I can do it. And I do have this guy to thank for that. It's really quite a wonderful thing.

That's my super-long and ridiculously rambly take on sparring, on me sparring, on the understanding (or lack thereof) of “light contact” and of trust and experience.

I realize this is an abrupt subject change but I hate what Phenobarb is doing to Haku. He can barely walk. Not only is he tired and weak, he's totally wobbly and sometimes he just can't even stand up. Worse, tonight he took a header down the stairs. I knew he was wobbly and I was going to hold him as he walked down, but the stairs are slippery as hell and he took that first step, went clean out of my grip, and just plunged face-first into the front door with his legs splayed. Then he couldn't get up and just lay there crying. He's only four. I hate this. I can't wait until he gets used to this drug. It's no use wishing he didn't need it because he obviously does. Just have to wait it out. :/

What else? I got 100 on my neuro test, and yesterday in Myo2 earned the whole class an extra five points on the quiz by demonstrating an obscure result of a reverse muscle action on the skeleton guy. I was pretty pleased. :)

Well, I'm beat, metaphorically and not so metaphorically. Gotta take my poor sad puppies outside and go into my nice warm bed to read for a while.

So, finally got Haku on phenobarb. I'm a little nervous about it and I hate the drug, but if it can prevent him from clustering like he did all day yesterday and this morning, then I'll deal with it. He had three seizures yesterday, and one this morning at 2:30. (Consequently I was up till 5 AM worrying about if he had another one, and another, and another.) I called his vet first thing this morning. She wasn't in but I spoke to another great vet who I'd never spoken to before, and he took the whole thing very seriously and was quite helpful. Cool thing: He also does Chinese medicine, and he gave me a powder to add to Haku's food to hold him over until the Phenobarb kicks in (usually about two weeks.) My fingers are crossed because another cluster like that and he will end up in the hospital to prevent anything worse. Now, he's on: Potassium Bromide (Kbr from now on,) Phenobarb, chelated magnesium, taurine, melatonin, vitamin C and the Chinese powder stuff.

Seriously, this had all better work. I'm really damn tired and poor Haku is exhausted.

Tonight in Kung Fu was more, and more intense sparring. I started getting into some of my favorite kicks and really trying to use my legs. I threw a spinning hook kick and it landed!

However, is it healthy that I have the Nine Inch Nails song “The Only Time” going through my head when I'm sparring? Probably not.

Tomorrow: hugeass myology test on pelvic girdle and the surrounding eighteen muscles. Then Swedish 2 tech. It's a long, long day.

Goddamn, Haku had three seizures today, 28 days from when he had the last one. The first was at 7:30 this morning. The second was at 7:30 this evening and the third was at 10:30. That's a damn lot. Usually he'll have three but over three days, not all in one night. I really need something around the house to stop these from kindling because they're really clusters, I think.

Strangely, my wonderful friend Kim bought me a Kindle and gave it to me last night. It's like a big iPod for books. I already downloaded The Brain That Changes Itself which was recommended by my neurology teacher. I wonder if there will be something in there that would give me some tips about Haku.

Also we went out last night and saw The Men Who Stare At Goats. It was brilliant and hilarious. Ewan McGregor was of course fantastic, and this was really one of his better movies. I felt like Kim and I were the only ones in the audience cracking up every time he had to talk about the Jedi way. But he delivered every line to perfection and totally dead-pan. George Clooney just gets more and more appealing to me. Weirdly enough, he could have been John Cleese in this film; he reminded me so much of him.

I definitely want to see it again and I hope I can take my Mom to see it. I told her about that today, suggesting that maybe we could go this week. It's like Haku heard us talking about leaving him alone for the first time since his first seizure and decided to have three of them. O_o (Obviously the poor thing can't decide; I mean they are so exhausting for him. And admittedly for me because once that wakes you up in the morning, there's no getting back to sleep.)

Yesterday work sucked and I didn't sell a lot. Today however, for some reason I was on fire. Hmm, I wonder.

Welp, I'm pretty much todmude so I'm going to STFU because I'll bet you anything I'm not making a great deal of sense right now. I'm gonna chill out in bed reading Pet Shop and pretending that there's some bishonen animal demi-god who can actually help.

Yeah so today was a day of crazy non-sequitor emotions. Early this morning I was having my Gomez Dream again. I dream about this dude every few months, or maybe like once or twice a year, more like, now that I think of it. It's always a very happy dream and sometimes I'm just calling this dream-man “Gomez” because Gomez Addams was sort of my first and most enduring crush, and seriously a kind of masculine ideal for me (starting with John Astin's Gomez when I was a kid and then HUGELY when Raul Julia played him to perfection.) But sometimes in the dream the guy is totally supposed to really be Gomez Addams and last night that's what happened. He was kind of a cross between John Astin and Raul Julia, and I was Morticia except I was wearing a wine-colored dress with these trailing sleeves.

Anyway, I had to somehow win him over and I already knew the end of the story so it didn't matter what I did. I wanted to make it exciting. So I decided that in order to win him over, I would shoot him with these tiny poison darts that I kept on this little firing weapon on my wrist. (I liked this imaginary weapon so much that today before Neuro I went and wrote it into my story. O_O ) Anyway, so I totally poisoned him and he thought that was really cool. But, I wasn't ready to just give up and get married yet. It was too easy. I decided to travel to France to learn to speak French (duh.) As Morticia I had the power of teleportation, but instead of landing in France I way overshot and landed on some Caribbean island. I was upset because, being Morticia and all I wanted to stay out of the sun. So I carried an umbrella around on the beach. There was some party going on in a hotel and the waves were crashing on the shore but I wanted no part of it. So I teleported back home, wherever that was.

At “home” there was a huge party going on and Gomez was walking among the guests, trying to get everyone to dance. For fun, I hid an ax in an old grandfather clock so that when he opened it, it would fall out and he would have do dodge it. I thought, “How exciting!” Eventually he went over and opened it, saw my little trap and thought it was the most wonderful thing ever. I was so happy that we had the same sensibility. I walked past him at the party and he said, “You don't even have to try, the answer is YES.”

Then I woke up.

I don't even want to begin to guess.

Well, so I made some changes in Le Novel and got really excited about writing again, as happens once in a while. All during my drive to school this afternoon I couldn't wait to get back onto OpenOffice (or OpenOrifice as I call it,) and just let my writer-freak flag fly. Neuro was fun today as it always is. I had dinner and headed off to Kung Fu thinking it'd just be like any other class, but I was still so happy to be going there. Sometimes it really inspires me. I began to wonder what it would be like to really get back into sparring in class, and if we were ever going to do that again. I wondered, What would I do? What combos would I throw? Could I land any hits? We very often do sparring drills and lots of light contact stuff, but it has been years, literally years since we've had real sparring matches and they ended shortly after I joined. So as far as real sparring matches, with BANG BANG BANG punching and kicking and other kinds of Kung Fu stuff, I've only done three the whole time.

Well, WOW, it was just as much fun, and just as draining as I remembered it. I always pride myself at never really getting winded at Kung Fu – that when all the boys half my age are falling down and gasping, I'm still happily training away. Fighting is different. Usual rounds are about 1-3 minutes. I went first against the Gold Dragon for about five minutes and he's been sparring for years at the other school and knows what the hell he is doing. He went really light contact on me and was very helpful. But after about five minutes I had to stop for water. Then we went back to it for another five or so. Then I sparred with Homeslice (I call him that because we found out shortly after he joined that we went to high school together,) for about another five. Then with the Empress's boyfriend (who is 18, about 6' and outweighs me by half again,) for about three minutes, then another three minutes. I seriously, seriously, seriously had to stop to take a break after that. Time truly is subjective, and very much so when someone is punching you in the eye and you HAVE NOT STOPPED MOVING ONCE.

In black belt we did trapping but intense trapping. Again, Dragon totally helped me a lot. I learned a lot from Homeslice but at one point I thought he was going to snap my wrist. (I'm flexible, but after a certain amount of flexion, bones and tendons start to snap, seriously. I have to start telling people, “Enough.” It doesn't hurt now, but it's going to.)

Err, I also have to stop apologizing when I punch my sparring partner.

Anyway. So it was such great fun and then I drove the Empress and her boyfriend home. I don't know what happened in my brain. We were talking about cake, or food or something, and all of a sudden my brain went, “I really wish I could talk to Dad and tell him all about this.” I heard him say, “You have to keep your hands up – did you keep your hands up?” and “A boxing round is about a minute, but that's a long minute when you're in the ring” and all the other stuff he would have said to me. I just wished more than anything that I could tell him all about it.

I managed to shove those thoughts into a brain-box until after I'd dropped Empress and her boy home, and then the floodgates just opened and I was like that for the rest of the ride home.

So I went to Mom's, watched TV with her, ate toast with Nutella, then took my Ninja Wizards to my house where I was just totally “blah” with nothing left, not even the cool stuff I wanted to add to Le Novel. I'll have to try to re-ignite that spark tomorrow after shopping and homework (of which I have tons. Homework, that is.)

Oh, and yesterday I registered for next semester. Not only are they trying to tell me I owe them $700 due to a “rebate” they said they gave me which is not really mine (let's never mind that THEY OWE ME TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS, actually $4500 but honestly, $2000 is all I'm going to get unless we go to court and I just don't have the spit for it, and BTW I'm still waiting for that money,) BUT! They also told me that my credits from the OM program magically did not make it to my massage therapy program and are just, I dunno, floating around in the goddamn ether and essentially that I wasn't allowed to register because I was technically just a freshman with only five credits.

Welp, as you can imagine, I just about bitchslapped someone. It took hours--hours--sitting there getting repeatedly bumped to the bottom of the list, before they called me up another five times and finally straightened most of it out.

This school sucks. I need to get my license and run the other way as fast as possible.

Well, that was the last few days, I guess. Dreams: bizarre. Sparring: awesome. Brain: unpredictable. School administration: Balls-up. Novel: Back on fire tomorrow.

Oh yeah, and I also got the Gundam Wing box set (part one) and have been re-watching that old favorite. Escapism FTW!

Last night went really well for me. I didn't have much time to think of anything. I started the day by working my shift, then afterwards came right home and got into my ridiculously complicated (to pee in) costume and makeup. Boychild's Mom brought Boychild over for a while. ( Buzz Lightyear with a sword! )

Too cute! He was a little disconcerted with my mask, which is no surprise, as children often don't get the idea of masks, and mine was certainly disconcerting to begin with.
( Nigebashou no nai yajuu! )

I was a kitsune, which no one who didn't know me really got. But I'm sure everyone on Ye Olde LJ already knows all about this. Well, I was a four-tailed kitsune because I figured, one tail for every nine years, right? Maybe a smidge more than nine because I turned 37 last week, but anyway. I worked hard on the costume but it really didn't take me too long. However I think it's the best costume I've ever made so prepare yourself for a ton of pictures.

( Shy na Venus kamen sutete, yasashikute zankokuna! Sugao wo misetai no anata dake ni ageru SECRET! )

( MAI TAILZ, LET ME SHOW U THEM. )
The hardest part was getting my tails to fit into and out of the tail-hole.

LOL, tail-hole.

( And this was just for the lulz. )

As I was waiting around, we also had ( a lot of trick or treaters. )

The really neat thing I wanted to do with my costume was to have my make-up match the mask I'd painted. The idea behind that was something along the lines of, “ooooh, maybe it's not such a costume after all” or like, casting aside one's mask and finding that it's exactly the same—good or bad—underneath it.
( Zurui Venus kamen sutete! Yasashikute zankokuna sugao wo miseru no wa daremo shiranai toki no CARNIVAL! )
Tangentially though, what I hate about that picture is that you can so totally see how crooked my nose is. I noticed it so much as I was putting on the gold stripe. And that's just not cute at all!

Well, all costumed and made-up, off I went to meet the Gold Dragon, who was going as a ninja. (I told homeboy not to wear the white shoes and what does he do? LOL.) So we decided to meet up in the King Kullen parking lot and then head off to Darkside, which is the biggest, most famous professional haunted house on Long Island. The Gold Dragon was just outside of the parking lot when he called me to say that he'd forgotten his wallet, and could I wait another ten minutes while he turned around and got it? I said no problem, anyway I had to pee really bad and it took me about that long to get my tails in and out of the tail-hole.

LOL, I said it again.

So I went into a few stores looking for a bathroom, and one lady in Radio Shack told me it was the most beautiful costume she'd seen the whole day. I was very pleased, but Radio Shack didn't have a public bathroom so I ended up going in the nasty, hellish bathroom of a liquor store. Eww. Anyway, then I waited in the parking lot, wearing the mask and staring at people going by who kept shouting “WOOOOO” and “HEY GIRL” and stuff like that. Because the mask is really cute I guess. Although honestly I just found it quite creepy and unsettling. Still, I wished I could wear the mask everywhere. I felt very safe behind it and very pretty.

So the Gold Dragon pulled up and we were both a little worried because the line to get into Darkside the night before was stretching around the block, even cars had a hard time getting through, and the wait was about two hours. Marvel of marvels, we were the only two people there on this night. On our way in, I saw Shane, the dude who was doing The Movie That Never Was with me, and who also did the makeup on the zombie film in which I had a walk-on part as a zombie a few years ago. I stopped to say ho to him. Then we went to the door to get our tickets and the guy laid down the rules (“Don't touch anyone, no one will touch you, no pictures,” etc.) and asked if we'd ever been here before. We said we hadn't and the door-guy asked our names, took out his walkie talkie and said, “We have Jules and Gold Dragon coming in right now and THEY ARE VIRGINS. TEAR THEM UP.”

Well, let me tell you! Darkside is very spooky and completely startling at every corner. I totally got my Hollywood Scream on every few seconds. I went in there wanting to scream, actually. You can absolutely walk through a haunted house all “la-dee-daa, everything is fake, oh I got startled, no biggie,” but what the hell would be the point? You pay twelve bucks to get in, you want to get giddy and scream a few times. So every time someone jumped out at me I shrieked like a adolescent. There's also a dude who chases you around with a very realistic chainsaw, holy christ, after playing Resident Evil for so long I damn near shot him with my Wiimote which I obviously didn't even have. Even the Gold Dragon was jumping a mile into the air and going, “DAHH!” and then being all cool like, “Wow, you guys totally got me, good job, good job!” We laughed all through it, but in that “Good goddamn, I just peed a little, it's Halloween!” kind of way.

The roughest part of Darkside is the frigging strobe lights. There were a few rooms where I got really disoriented and couldn't find the way out, and of course that's the idea, for you to get trapped in there. And the pants-peeingest section was the Clown Room. In Darkside they have all these figures, and some are fake and immobile, and some are fake and wicked-fast-moving animatronics, and some are real people who jump out and scare your ass. The Clown Room was just what it sounds like, a dead-quiet room full of evil clowns and you don't know which ones are going to come to life and corner you. MAN! Nightmare fuel! It was fantastic.

After that we went to the food-stand thingie and got some Mexican spiced hot chocolate which was very interesting and quite good. Mexican spiced hot chocolate, WTF is that, even? It was all Autumny and cinnamony though, so I liked it.

Too bad they don't let you take pics inside, but I did get a few pics outside of it. Also, the moon was big, bright and eerie.

( Darkside outside, the moon, and kitsune and ninja. )

There were actually a few more pics of us, but they are sloppy and disorganized, with Gold Dragon holding two cups of hot chocolate which is spilling everywhere and he said, “I don't like my face in those pics, don't put them up anywhere.” Aww, sucks they didn't come out because our costumes were just too cool, if I do say so myself.

After Darkside we went back to the parking lot and for some reason sat in the car for about an hour talking about school and the best ways to study, before deciding to go find somewhere else to hang out. We drove around and around but couldn't find any good places. We tried to stop at a pizza place but it was under renovation so we ended up going to a Chinese restaurant just before it closed. I was very pleased because we were eating rice, and that kind of went with the whole “Kitsune” and “Ninja” them, especially because kitsune were supposed to serve the god Inari, who was the god of rice or something.

On coming home, I was still so pleased with my costume and still kind of obsessed with Japanese kitsune lore and the kitsune-bi, or green “foxfire” mythology, that I went into my yard, where I had up some green lights that my Dad set together for me last year, and took a few more pics. They came out superfly creepy.

( Kitsune-bi. )
Dude, I don't even know how I got that last shot; it lookst as if I'm a ghost and not even really there, right? I like that one a lot.

Also it was really insanely windy last night. ( My poor hair. )

Then I took a shower and watched Night Of The Living Dead for a while.

Aaaaaand that was last night.

This morning it was back to work. SURPRISE! My supervisor did her first “HEY I AM HERE UNANNOUNCED TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S GOING SWIMMINGLY” thing. Fortunately everything was going swimmingly. She showed me my sales chart and said that she really liked the rising lines and could I keep up whatever I was doing? She gave me a few brochures, caught me up on some products, said that the Competition Guy was really cute (he kind of is, as mentioned,) did not mention a raise yet, and wished me a happy birthday. She said, “How old are you now, like twelve?” I LOLed and said, “Thirty seven” and she said, “God, that's crazy. I guess you're proof of the benefits of good nutrition.” I was happy. I like to collect kind things that people say of me; somehow it makes it easier to forget the bad stuff.

Some guy came in with his little daughter and we were talking about dogs, and he said that he didn't want to get another one because they're too hard to take care of, and he and his daughter traveled a lot. I asked where they went and he said Disneyworld. So, I had kind of a Moment there.

Already they have the freaking holiday stuff out. And now that Halloween is over I'm a little panicky because next is the holidays and they're gonna be pretty bad. I dread when they start playing the music all over the radio while I'm at work because I know they're going to play ones that are going to get me started, and I have to find a way to block it out, and keep my chin up when those come on. It's not the products that are going to get to me, it's gonna be the songs, for sure. So not looking forward to that.

But there will be holidays again someday. I mean, there has to be. You can't just stop the world. So this is me, trying to let it turn and to go with it.

That's my little boy! Not really little anymore though.

I think the song is by Kings of Leon or something but obviously I think this version has got to be better by far. (I remember him singing the Batman theme when he was teenywee, and running around with a towel stuffed down the back of his shirt like a cape. How little things actually change. ;D )

Last night was lots of fun: The Gold Dragon took me out for a belated birthday thing and we went to Digger's. We ended up having drinks (although just cranberry juice for me since I drove) and mozzarella sticks and staying till closing. And yes, I took the day off school today. :) So we just talked about sun moon stars rain (read: Kung Fu, school, work, movies, friends, Family Guy, etc.) and at one point I had a moment when he said, “Let's have a toast” and I figured he'd say like, “To Kung Fu” or “To Jackie Chan!” or something but instead he said, “To your Dad, who's always with you.”

Anyway, we're going to hit up Darkside tomorrow once I'm home from work and he's done taking his nephew to a party. (I have to remind myself to go to work tomorrow. God, why do I feel like I'm going to forget?) My costume RULES and I'm so glad we get to do something awesome tomorrow. Halloween means a lot to me.

Last night I was so thirsty after all the mozzarella sticks that I couldn't sleep, or maybe it had to do with the ton of Halloween candy I ate, too. Anyway, I was up nearly all night just thinking about random stupid things. Once in a while I was able to get to sleep but then I only had really bizarre dreams.

A few times a year I dream about seeing Taking Back Sunday live, (which I have done frequently and with great joy in the past,) and in the dreams something supernatural is always going on in those dreams. For instance, in one of them, they were at a vampire baby shower. In another, Adam Lazzara was a werewolf and kept shorting the electricity during the concert by chewing on the cords.

In last night's Taking Back Sunday concert dream, the show took place in a kind of college (not surprising I guess) and there were tons of floors from which you could watch the show from behind a glass partition. My seat was way high up. I could see the show very well but could not hear it, thus defeating the purpose. The guitarist (Matt Fazzi, great dude btw) pointed to me and said something, but I couldn't hear him so I had to read his lips and he said something like, “Aren't you that girl from the online journal?” I thought, “Wow, how does he know that?”

I looked at the person beside me and saw that she had turned into a black and white version of herself. Apart from that, she was also getting smaller and wasn't moving. For some reason I looked at the guy who does the sound, or the lighting or something and he had turned sort of greyish. By and by, members of the audience all began to turn into little grey, stone-like dolls. I thought, “Holy crap, I'd better get out of here before I turn into one, too! But then I'll miss the show, and what will become of the band? Maybe they'll turn to stone, too?” So I banged on the glass partition to warn them of what was happening, when I saw that the guitarist had been replaced by some guy from Saturday Night Live. For some reason, this freaked me out way more than the doll thing. I thought perhaps I would have to get the gun I was conveniently carrying and shoot through the glass to break it, but then I realized I would hit someone on stage. I woke up before solving this quandary.

Strange things are just happening in my brain; stranger than normal. I think it must be stress. Sometimes I'm very much at peace, and sometimes every little thing makes me feel like the sky is falling. As if I can somehow deal with losing Dad, yet not getting the DVD I ordered last week is making me want to rip someone's eyes out and scream into their gaping eyeholes. Or the fact that I forgot to finish my homework for this week kept me awake from around 6:30 onward this morning. I mean, I still have all next week to finish it, yet somehow it was the most urgent thing in the world.

Ah, but I have some good news to report, at least. I took Sano to the vet on Wednesday before by neuro class, and got his bloodwork done. The vet called me yesterday and even though his liver values are still elevated, they are much lower than they were even last week. Also his platelets are okay so I can lower the pred (which is what's destroying his liver in the first place) and keep doing what I'm doing. I was ridiculously glad about it, which is to be expected. Also it looks like his fur is growing back a little.

Also! I got a 98 on my neuro midterm. Originally it was 96 but when we went over it in class we discovered that the scantron had marked one wrong that was right, so my score was 98. And because I set the two-point curve it turned out to be 100, and my entire class average is 99. My professor (my favorite one this trimester) handed me the test back and said, “You broke the curve for the rest of the class. Curvebreaker!” And again I was happier than I had any right to be.

I had big plans for today, I seriously did. I was going to draw a picture, but I've utterly forgotten how to draw, and I used to be at least ¼ way decent at it. Then I was going to write a little, maybe a cute Halloween poem or something, but I've utterly forgotten how to write, also. Maybe it's stress, but what if it never stops and I've totally lost my aptitude for all of that stuff? Also I was going to go out and buy a lottery ticket. Also I was going to get back to work on taking the paneling down at Gran's place (that's what I guess I'll always call it: “Gran's place” even though it's now basically going to be my office.) I was going to go through my novel and clean it up some more just in case the editors write me back and say “We think you might be the next JK Rowling, oh my god, please send us the rest of the manuscript at once because we'd like to give you five million dollars in advance and maybe even set you up on a date with this guy here who we cloned from Ewan McGregor's colon cells.”

Those were my plans, but then I kind of just looked at funny videos on the internet all day.

Gacked (GACKT?) from skitty_kitty:


Japanese Prank Show! FUNNIEST THING EVER - Watch more Funny Videos

WTFFFFFFF seriously? Apparently, according to one of her friends, it's from a show called Zen Master, in which contestants have to endure all of these ridiculous things in silence. That one dude is so cute too,damn. Anyway, this made me laugh until I had tears. "Slapping Machine" and "Old Man Bites Tenderly" slayed me. I really needed that, too.

Well, I should go feed the dogs, feed myself, maybe go out for a walk with Mom or something and then pretend like I don't have to go to work tomorrow and I can just skip the early part of the day and go right to Darkside. ^_^ Pictures will surely follow. Oh, count on it.

Video Games Live was of course AWESOME. Okay, so we hit tons of traffic and got there at eight o'clock when the show was starting. But we had great seats and didn't miss a thing. I did not have time to buy a t shirt but that's probably for the best because I saved some money. :)

( Video Games Live at the Beacon! )

As I mentioned, I went as Raine and Jo-chan was an awesome Selphie, especially the hair!

( Selphie and Raine: )

Not too bad, huh?

Before I begin, I want to point out that Tommy Tallarico is kind of a genius, not only for his compositions and his ridiculous musical talent, but for putting this whole thing together. Hot damn, but what an idea. (I had no idea until looking at his Wiki that he is Steven Tyler's cousin. Hence Aerosmith on Rock Band I suppose, Hootah. Do I vaguely remember that Steven Tyler's real last name is Tallarico, or am I making that up?) And Jack Wall is weirdly very adorable.

First thing first, it was hard going into the city. Usually when I would go into the city it would be with my Dad, who was the best at driving to Manhattan. So seeing all the signs, the skyline etc. was kind of difficult. Also pretty hard for me was the Kingdom Hearts section. They introduced it with, “WHO HERE LOVES DISNEY” and then instead of showing scenes from Kingdom Hearts, they showed the original Disney film clips, a huge montage to the orchestrated version of “Simple and Clean.” Of course, my Dad was just about the biggest Disney fan in the world; he's seen every movie, and in fact has a “Disney room” (my childhood bedroom) with tons of rare Disney memorabilia. His favorite characters were Jiminy Cricket and of course Mickey Mouse. So they ended this huge montage with a scene of Jiminy Cricket, and then it went dark and quiet for a second and then without any music they showed the famous scene from Steamboat Willie. I cried through the whole thing but the end really got to me. It was totally unexpected. So of course I took it as a sign. Of what, I don't know, but I wanted it to be meaningful I guess.

Also emo, but in a good way, was the fabulous piano version of different Final Fantasy songs.

( Final Fantasy on piano: )

This is Aerith's Theme, Eyes On Me (I got teary because Eyes On Me is a hugely relevant song for me—because I'm massively cheesy I've sung it about nearly every guy I've liked who liked me back, and I also used to sing it to SB and Jo-chan when they were wee—and SB and Jo-chan got teary during that part, too,) Fragments of Memories (Raine's song, which was awesome because HELLO!) Waltz For The Moon and Gloriosa Generosa (better known as “One Winged Angel,” Sephiroth's overwhelming, Wagnerian theme.) This guy was the BOMB, he came out a few times and played tons of songs, some of them he even played blindfolded. I think he's out there on Youtube somewhere, and that's how VGL found him.

Of course, the Zelda section was another huge thing for me. I taped in two parts because the middle part is so long and I wasn't sure I'd have room. ( This is the ending part. )


It was during this part that I realized I kinda use video games like other people use church and god. When things get really sucky, this is where I go to worship. Is that so strange, do you think? To me, video games are no more fictional than the Bible, their characters no more fictional than God. It's comfort and inspiration—to do better, and to be better—but without the history of genocide and subjugation. :) Link was my childhood hero; I've always loved the character and the story he was in. I've had a thing for heroes since childhood. Villains too, but heroes more. I've always loved the character who's going up against something so much bigger than him/herself; s/he knows s/he's already licked before the battle starts, but goes into battle anyway and then wins.

Wow, wandery tangent. Anyway, so I've semi-sorta considered this before, the idea that my gods were characters and games were my church, but since losing Dad I've especially noticed it. I think a normal person would be going to mass every Sunday or something and getting comfort from that. I'm not going around in need of constant comfort because I find the world itself comforting—the colors, sounds, smells, and experiences—but once in a while when it gets a little overwhelming, that's where I turn and so watching this whole big montage last night which glorified everything I've loved since childhood really nailed this down into my psyche. Call it what you like.

After Zelda there was an intermission and they had up this cute sign:

( Loading! )

I took a ( fabulous (if blurry) picture of SB: )

One of the coolest things they did last night was to show a video from 1968 of the first video game ever created, being played by its creator Ralph Baer. It was Pong, or Pong's precursor. After playing the video on the big screen they had Ralph Baer himself, now 88, on Skype. Tallarico thanked him for creating his and the audience's best hobby and industry, and the guy got a standing ovation from hundreds of gamers. It was one of those moments.

Then they busted out Gloriosa Generosa, the huge, orchestrated version, as it was meant to be played. This was the highlight of the night.

( One Winged Angel: )
BEAUTIFUL.

Oddly, they closed with an overly-long Halo section, and for an encore they did Megaman and Castlevania. I was thinking, “WTF, how can you follow One Winged Angel? Nothing is going to top that.” I was right, nothing did top it; I wish they'd saved that one for the encore. But hey, I got to hear it played live, right? And you just can't beat that.

After the show, we managed to catch up with Cloud and Sephiroth.
( Weee! )

A funny thing happened to me after that photo. My uncle took it, and the dude playing Sephiroth was holding a really neat-looking Black Materia (don't know if you can tell what it's supposed to be from that photo.) After the picture I somehow thought he was holding either my camera or my wallet, and I tried to take it out of his hand. He was a little, “WTF?” and I stopped myself and said, “I'm so sorry; I thought it was my camera or something.” And then “DUDE, I almost stole the Black Materia from you!” It was weird, right? Raine trying to nick the Black Materia from Sephiroth? Sounds like some kind of deranged crossover. The Black Materia compels you!

Then we stopped at Starbucks for a quick pee before heading back. I bought a pumpkin apple spice hot chocolate because I've been in the mood for a seasonal kind of drink and I've never really had one before. We got a little lost getting out of Manhattan but the traffic was a breeze and I was home by 12:30.

Whew, it was a fun night, and I would so totally go and see this show again. Next time I do I'll get there a bit earlier and buy something maybe, perhaps get better costume pics or something.

Oh, and Jo-chan had so much fun cosplaying we decided we're definitely going to ICON in March and we're for sure gonna play dress-up again. I might go as Matron or maybe Julia Heartilly. Errr, or maybe Tifa if I get brave and ambitious. Who knows. :)

That bit of a poem I posted last night was so apt that it had to straight up onto my journal.

Yesterday was basically suck, it being my first birthday without my Dad. I mostly didn't think of it, or at least tried not to. I put a message to people on FB saying, please do not send me anything. Most people didn't get it and sent something anyway. Some people kinda got it and were like, “hope you have a good a day as possible” which was very kind. But I understand. People just don't know what to say. In the same position, I don't either.

I got phonecalls from: both of my brothers, (I share a birthday with my eldest brother and he was having a bitch of a day yesterday,) my Uncle Robert, Aunt Ana and cousin Stace, and the Gold Dragon. (“I read on Facebook that you didn't want... well, just calling to see how you're doing and say what's up.”)

I went to work which was boring, but got to talk to Nice Competition Guy. Studied for Myo midterm a bit, then played tons of FF8. It's fun, using Quistis's Degenerator limit and going to The Island Closest To Hell for mad leveling.

Today I uploaded some pics that had been sitting on my camera for over a month, and took a few more of the nice colors and my retarded dogs.

( Purdy colors and light: )

( Funny dogs: )

( The Bother Series: )

The rest of today is going to RULE SO HARD because my uncle, Jo-chan and SB are taking me to the city for

VIDEO GAMES LIVE! I've made a road-trip CD of some video game music (and some I downloaded from past VGL concerts, such as the FFVII and LOZ symphonies) and our costumes are all set. I cannot wait to see Jo-chan as Selphie! There will be tons of pics and videos to follow. ^_^

I've been looking forward to this so I'm really meffing sexcited! Woo-hoo!

This day, then, ends in rain
but almost everyone will live through it.
Tomorrow's thousands losing their loved ones
have not yet stepped into never being the same again.
Maybe the sun's first light will hit me
in those moments, but I'd gladly wake to feel it:
the dramatic opening of a day,
clean blood pumping from the heart.

Michael Ryan

It's Wednesday now and there's a lot of stuff I feel like keeping track of tonight. This past weekend was a really nice one. Jo-chan spent the weekend and we did exactly what we said we were going to do: at my mom's house, among the three of us we ate about a gallon of ice cream and a plate of organic chocolate chip cookies which we baked. We also took the dogs for walks, watched Family Guy episodes, played epic FFVIII, and talked for a long time. On Sunday, Chrissie came over with Boychild and a plate of her pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. I fixed a button on Boychild's tuxedo pants (they have a wedding to go to,) and I also finished up Jo-chan's Selphie dress. It fits her perfectly and she looks so cute.

I also had to work all weekend. A few neat things happened which bear documenting. One, a lady I sold to told me, "You need to call your boss and tell him or her that you're a really great salesperson." I wasn't sure how I felt about that because I've never considered myself a salesperson before and it is a strange identity to me. Then the competition guy with seriously blue eyes (let's call him Alex for now because there's something a little Alex Krycek looking about him in a weird way,) called me over and said, "I don't know if you noticed it, but you have a 75% closing rate." It took me a second or two to figure out that that meant I closed a sale 75% of the time. He's required to carry a little counter so he counts how many people come into the store. He said, "Nearly every time I see you talk to someone, a few minutes later I see them leaving with (your product.)" Hmm. Then the next day at work I made some kind of lame joke and he said, "You're just so cute." O_o "Cute" isn't a word I hear from guys all that often. I blushed a lot and went to look at the fish.

I think I'm going to get a fish, once I get Gran's apartment all set. And I still call it "Gran's apartment" instead of "my office" because I think it will always he Gran's apartment. All her stuff is still in it, and it's like she's still in it too. I don't want that to change, however.

I did start taking down the paneling in Gran's apartment so that I could paint the walls, and don't you know that they didn't finish the befrigged sheetrock? There's all holes in it across the top and around all the sockets. Grrr. I'm just going to have to learn how to do things. Dad was always so good at that. He could look at something and figure out how it had to be. Well, sometimes. Once in a while something would baffle him but in the end he would think of the solution. But he also just knew things, stuff he just learned along the way. This would be one of those things: how to fix holes in sheetrock around electrical outlets. I know it's probably super easy for someone who's done it before, but it's new to me.

Oh, but getting back to work. CHECK THIS OUT, this is a great story. ( Dr. Dickwhistle and The Bad Place )

I felt very gratified.

School / midterm stuff! Yesterday we got back our results for Swedish tech 2. I got a 97 on the written and 100 on the practical. I don't know what I did on the practical to get 100 but I was very pleased that I did.

Last Wednesday was the day that Sano had his little (huge) drama, and I missed the last neurology lecture and review before the midterm. Midterm was today. I studied really hard last night (with my Mom's help) and this morning, yet i was still really nervous by the time I got to school. I talked a little bit to Dr. R before the class and he said he'd gotten my message about having to miss class, and he hoped that I'd been able to contact someone to cover the review. I told him I didn't get a contact sheet so I hadn't been able to get anyone and he said, "Well, just do your best. You've done fine on your quizzes." Before he handed out the test he told us all, "Take a deep breath and try to relax. Just remind yourself, it's neurology, and the human nervous system is only the single most complicated thing we know of in the universe." He had also taught us this little dance to remember the dermatomes and before we started the test someone called out, "Do the dance for us one last time!" He said, "You mean this dance?" and he busted out a perfect hardcore pop-and-lock dance that got a round of applause from all the 30-someodd students. It was pretty great.

After the test I had lots of time before I had to leave for Kung Fu so I went up for a free massage (which was great,) and on my way out I saw Dr. R in the hall. He was carrying the scantrons which he had just run and he said, "Don't worry, you did great. You got a 96." A 96! I was so happy. Although a little bummed because I looked up the ones I wasn't sure about after the test and they were the ones from the missed lecture. I might have gotten 100 if I hadn't missed that last one. He said, "The only thing is, you broke the curve." Like a moron, I apologized.

After that I had dinner and went off to Kung Fu. It took me 90 frigging minutes to get there. :/ Kung Fu was fun, though I am a little bummed out to be missing a tournament on Sunday that everyone else is going to. I'm missing it for the best thing ever, I just wish one of the two things had been on a different day. I drove The Empress and her friend home as usual.

Then once they got out of the car I started to crash and feel really lousy. It seriously is like this. One second everything's fine, and the next it's like Dad died yesterday. I thought to myself, "I really want to hear something from Dad right now" and I shut off my iPod and turned on the radio. It's hard to get any good stations until I get onto Sunrise, and once I did I heard, "Over The Rainbow / Wonderful World" by brother Iz. This was one of my Dad's favorite songs. (And some of you might remember the video I made to go with that song. I'd been thinking of that video, and the scenes of Dad that I had in it, on and off for a few days.) Of all the songs I could have heard, this one was unexpected. How random it is to hear that one on the radio, too. Or who knows, maybe they play it every day and I just don't listen to local radio enough to realize this. Then as I was a few blocks from my house, "Sweet Caroline." This was another Dad Song. He used to sing it at all his shows. The high point of Dad's shows was always "My Way," but "Sweet Caroline" always got everyone going too. I just cranked it and bawled my eyes out. As I was driving and crying like an idiot, it got really foggy and this guy dressed all in black came around from the side of his parked car and I had to swerve to miss him; he kinda broke the mood and I halfway wanted to go back and run his stupid ass over. Who the hell goes running around the street at 9:30 PM wearing black? Moron!

That wasn't my only "music moment" today, though. As I was driving from school to Kung Fu, I had my iPod on (I usually keep it on random,) and "Beyond The Wasteland" from the Advent Children soundtrack came on. I was feeling a little half-hearted towards about everything except the hateful traffic and the huge metal ass of the truck that was in front of me as I sat there going 2 MPH, but I had left the iPod a little loud from the previous song (you have to ride the volume) and all of a sudden the best part of the song kicked in, and it was so loud it filled the whole car and for like thirty seconds it was the best song in the whole world, ever.

Funny how that happens sometimes.

If this entry feels all kinds of crazy and disjointed it's because that's what my brain is like these days. I wonder if I'll ever be able to make cohesive thoughts again and write them out like any kind of stable person.

I'm going to go to bed and read a little, a fact which gives me stupid amounts of boring joy. Tomorrow I have time to go to the store, dye my hair and maybe check out some different paint colors. Maybe I can even work on my Halloween costume. Maybe on Halloween I'll do something fun by myself, like go out dancing or something in my awesome costume. I totally should. Where's a good place to go out dancing around here? I'll have to find out.

Oh, and Sunday is going to be mad fun. MAD fun.

DOES NOT HAVE CANCER.

His liver readings were off the charts so that's what the vet (and everyone else) pretty much assumed. He had an ultrasound today which revealed that there are no lesions or tumors! But, his liver is hugely enlarged and damaged from the prednisone. Unfortunately the prednisone is what keeps him from bleeding out randomly. BUT. The liver damage is treatable, so this isn't a death sentence like cancer would be. His medication is glorified and super expensive milk thistle* (which I sometimes give to both dogs anyway.)

I'm so happy because I spent most of the morning during my midterms looking at the clock thinking, "I wonder if they're doing the ultrasound now. I wonder what they're saying. I wonder how long he has, or if he'll even be here in the next few weeks." And through the entire hour+ ride home I thought I'd go home and start to say goodbye to him.

I mean it isn't wonderful news that he's got all this liver damage but it's still better than cancer and I have more time with Sano than I thought. He's only nine. He's lost about eight pounds and all of his muscle tone, and he's even lost about three inches of height, believe it or not. His collar is about two times too big and he's also lost most of his hair. He looks terrible, people who haven't seen him in a while wouldn't recognize him. But he's also the same dog who took down a pit bull, so maybe he can beat this, too. I hope.

In other good news, I did really well in my midterm practicals in Asian today. In fact at the end of ABW1 and the beginning of ABW2 (they kind of run together) I overheard the professor talking to the assistant (who is a doctor, and my favorite teacher in the school, Dr. H, the one who taught me chemistry,) as they were going over the ABW1 worksheets for the practical exam. I heard him say my last name and say, "Wait, who's that? Oh, it's Jules. I was wondering why I'd give such a high grade." I heard Dr. H say, "Jules? She did really well in my chemistry class," and then Dr. L said, "That girl is my prize. I've never given anything over a 95 before."

I had my face in my face-cradle but I was blushing like crazy and hoping that no one else had heard. But still I was happy.

One more thing, CONGRATULATIONS TO JO-CHAN ON GETTING HER DRIVER'S LICENSE. I don't know if you're aware, but you are still not allowed to drive for another ten years. No one told you that? Yeah, that's like, the law and stuff. Really. But seriously, your uncle Jim would be so proud, and I'm going to tell you what he would say: Drive defensively, and most of all always be aware of your surroundings. See you in a bit, Jo-chan!






*Months ago, right after my Gran had died, I was talking with a good internet friend about liver supplements / treatments. I mentioned that I was going to school for holistic medicine and that I knew of the best herbal liver treatment in the world. I hadn't even mentioned what it was yet when a third person jumped into the conversation, called me a "stupid fluffy bunny" and other choice names and said that everything I had to say would be BS. I mean really, unprovoked aggression and nasty words; to which normally I would have breathed fire in return, but A) had just lost Gran and was really just stunned and didn't have the energy and B) more importantly, out of respect for my friend, didn't bother. I figured, hey, let her be sick if that's how she's gonna be. Well I just think it's funny that now doctors and vets are prescribing super ridiculously priced milk thistle (in fact my brother just got a prescription from his doctor,) when in fact that's pretty much what I was going to say, before this d-bag came charging in like Rambo without a jockstrap and shoved her western medicine down my throat. Admittedly, the twelve year old in me--the one who remembers trying to be nice in the schoolyard and having some crass, vulgar bully come and call me names and tell me I'm stupid--wants to go back to this nasty person and say, "See? Told you so!"

It's so hard to take the high road sometimes, dude, especially when you're right.

And my beloved Sano has cancer.

What the hell? My uncle has just died. I didn't even know he was sick, and neither did my Mom. (He was her brother.) We weren't close, and in fact my Mom hadn't heard from him on just over ten years; he didn't call when Gran (his mother) died either.

It's just, really, what's going on?

Well, but at least with my uncle, and to a certain extant, my Gran, I could understand it. It was very hard to lose Gran, but I got it. I knew it was around the corner, in a way. She was square with it and so was the rest of the family. That doesn't mean it was okay in any way, just that I got it. With Dad, I still don't get it.